It's Time!

There’s a lump in my chest now, of what I’m afraid to feel
It’s been there for a day and a half
Its time now, and I know it,
He’s going fast
He lays right beside me, burning up
I cool him down, constantly
I haven’t had much sleep
I know it, I know it
Its time to put him down
I cried for a bit on Friday
When Johnny’s song played
A sign from above
“He’s not afraid to die”
I ‘m afraid to feel,
To let him go
No more, my little man
To sleep beside me
To follow me around
And no one to be excited to see me
No one to make me smile, like only he could
With his cute little happy dance after a good meal
I am sad, but afraid to feel, tears stream
About him, about me, about the kids
Who needs to see him,
before I let him go?
His legs give out, he’s so weak
Every two hours and sometimes sooner
I gently place him in a cool bath
For a little while he breathes easier
He vomited blood, on a blanket and pillow on my bed
But I didn’t care, he’s with me, he knows I’m there
I didn’t sleep; I just laid my hand upon his bloated belly
I have to let him go, I just know, I knew I would know
I always do
I’ve done this before, three other times
Each time, I knew when the time was right
I bathed the bloody vomit off his body and mouth
Not very much of a nurse, I nursed him
And placed him on a cushy rug, put a fan at his head
And turned on the softest music
While I left to find a number of a place
Where I can take him when morning comes
My back hurts, the lump is heavier
This time its worse than before
We are closer than I was with the others
This is it, once he’s gone
I will feel lonely without him
No one to warn me when a stranger is near
No one to cuddle in, when everyone is gone
No one to ride with me in the car
The tears are painful, they hurt in my throat
I have to keep my composure
For him
So he has peace and love
For his final hours
I can feel an ugly cry about to appear
I’m nauseous
You’d think I’d be used to this by now
With all those I’ve lost
Instead it reminds me
Of those losses
The suffering
The sadness
The loneliness that follows
I am tired of losses
I just finished losing someone
Twenty two months ago
I was depressed for close to a year
And she’s still alive
I don’t want to feel that pain again
That dead, and sad, and lost
I have been preparing myself for this
But you’re never prepared
Never
I’ve been grieving and fooling myself too
As I often do
What am I suppose to learn from all this grief I wonder?
To just accept what is?
Live around it?
Embrace what you can’t change?
I don’t know
but, I have to let him go
Take him in
And wait until that final moment
When he goes limp in my arms
Last time I did this, Elton Johns
“Can you feel the love”, played on the Radio
It really is an act of love, to end his suffering
That’s what I tell myself anyway
But oh……. what will I do with out him!
Just one more minute, one more hour
But not one more day
I have to do it!
I am doing it
At three twenty in the afternoon
On this hot day of June!
My love, I will miss you!