Gone

I ambled around the house numb
In and out of tears and fears about doing the correct thing
It was a long night, and a long day
The last hours were peaceful
Each of us spent time alone with him
Giving him the love and solace he so deserved
He knew we were there
He was always comforted when we were all home
There we were his last hours
Together with him, taking turns
Saying good bye
Kissing his head
Thanking him
Then it was time
Almost time to go
Each of us wailed
Heavy, hard, and messy
For the longest moments ever
Clinging to that last little bit of life left
Bundled in a damp, soft blanket, he relaxed
As much as he could in his state
He seemed to know
Then, a last picture
His eyes saying okay
He loves the car
He didn’t stir in the laundry basket
We spoke softly to him
I didn’t cry,
He’d be afraid if I did
I held it in, head pounding
From weeping relentlessly, in the bath
Alone, in a face cloth
I muffled the grief
From the kids, and him
I ran more water and cried harder
And harder, and harder
My face was vulnerable
I was weak and tired
And childlike
Here I was, ready to take him
Two fifty five, time to leave
Three tear stained faces bid him adieu
I drove down Fraser highway
Mount Baker was a majesty of beauty
I commented on the amazing site
I forgot the camera
The perfect mountain
The perfect weather
But there is no perfection, is there?
And I said it
I said there is always a ray of beauty in
a somewhat horrific day
And just as the words left my mouth
I drove by a raccoon, sprawled out on the road
In perfect form, dead
We giggled at the irony
diverted by comic relief
Not because the poor creature was dead
We giggled because I said it
And there it was, the back drop of the mountain
And sadly, a dead animal
Goodness knows how he met his demise
Not with as much love or comfort as ours would
That’s for sure
It was a moment of relief
Then we were back to the grief
We found the place
She stayed in the car
I went in alone
They needed too much information
I wanted it over
It was painful enough
But it was cool in the building
He rallied at the temperature drop
It was just a moment though
I weighed him, he liked the cool metal scale
A sprinkle of guilt passed through me
I placed him comfortably back into the laundry basket
I toted him to a room
I spoke calmly to him
He didn’t stir at the animals sounds
As he normally did
He surrendered to my compassion
I assured him he’d soon be at peace
We waited together, I felt defeated
Vulnerable, glad
The young doctor entered
Compassionately introduced himself
Rambled off the procedure
I didn’t hear a word
He asked about him
I mechanically answered
Stoically
I held him close to me
The buzzing of the shears
Made a small square on his paw
Then the needle was inserted
He didn’t fight it
No sound was made
His breathing slowed
And he was gone

1993-2006 Rox R.I.P.
Deeply loved, a joy to his family
Sadly missed