Pepper this ones for you!

My daughter has taken to barging in the bathroom and taking surprise pictures of me, it always requisitions a few giggles!


Do you ever feel like your losin it? That would be me! It was a friend’s birthday a few weeks ago. I sent her an ecard. Snail mail and I are not friends. Anyway she responded with an email back that same day, March third. When I finally checked that rarely used email address it was a few weeks later. I immediately started to respond with a very meaty email when I was called away. A few days later, do you think I can find it on my computer? No,…… not a chance, of course I’m doubting whether I finished and sent it. I don’t think I did. But what if I have? Am I going crazy?

Anyway, not to make excuses, I have been under the weather the last few weeks. Fighting these stupid stomach tremors, and sleep that’s totally out of whack. Sure enough my little stomach earthquakes, that’s what I’ve been calling them, were quite random with a dull ache on my right side. Of course at fifty any oddity in body functions is cause to freak out! Quietly of course! I try not to alert Pepper, her life can get stressful enough without worrying about me. Instead I would just retire to my bedroom early!

In the beginning the mini earthquakes were sporadically bothering me. I disregarded them as after math caused by the wacky sleep patterns. As I slept the whishing seemed to subside. Not to get too graphic, my body was doing things at night, ritually done in the morning….if you know what I mean.

Tuesday I awoke at 1:30 am, after six hours sleep. Fully alert, Raisin bran, a pear and tea, were my middle of the night breakfast. A time when the only people awake are the bridge trolls and night watchmen! My stomach quakes couldn’t be ignored, and invaded my thoughts. As the day progressed I tried diverting them. I did a google search, playing detective doctor trying to self diagnose my problem. Or at least be pointed in the area of concern. Extensive searches narrowed it down to pancreas, or bowels. Wow, give me a certificate! Because I’m overweight I’m always concerned about the possibility of diabetes. With a few blood test those concerns are thankfully alleviated.

Years ago I heard you can tell a lot about your health by looking at your nails. They are to health, like the eyes are to soul. I was looking for clubbing, and signs of the big C, or heart issues. Anyway I tried to have a nap, but the baby earthquakes were determined not to let that happen. So I got my ass up, bathed for the second time….in preparation for the doctor ….and dragged my self to my preferred clinic twenty minutes away. By now its late afternoon, just before dinner, there I am in this huge clinic, with five other women, all my age….go figure. All the menopausal mamas didn’t want to make dinner? I chuckled to myself.

I got in quickly for a change, the nurse was such a doll. The more questions she asked, the less direct my answers were. I’d shrug and explained it’s possible but ……….then went into the peri menopausal symptoms that coincide with so many other body mysteries. Her sympathetic, sage eyes exuded understanding. The doctor came in, a little short guy, listened pensively, asked a few questions, while reading many of the particulars the nurse has already recorded on my chart. Examined me, diagnosed me as having noisy bowels. Hmmm surprise surprise! He informs me it’s a common hormonal problem, oh my god…more hormonal crap. Another new thing I’ve never heard. I feel like a damn ostrich with my head in the sand. He gave me some pills to help push things through faster….if you know what I mean! I have been eating so much roughage lately I was surprised there was an issue.
Next I hit up Costco to fill the prescription, and buy tons more roughage, flax, rye, grains and humus. I always have piles of fresh veggies. When I pick up my prescription the girl asked if I’ve taken them before I told her I hadn’t. She asks if they’re for my indigestion! With a crowd of onlookers only breathes away I replied with an emphatic “NO”! Now I am worried I have the wrong prescription, but hesitate to announce to the world my bowel issues. Next she asks what they’re for. Oh my god, I’m thinking, do I have to answer this. “Bowels…..I said quickly and quietly ….half expecting her to say “PARDON”….She doesn’t…..I wipes my brow…phew! When the crowd disperses I quickly jest “well it’s either these or prunes what I can say, ….I’m getting old!” Then scrambled off!

I took a pill just before dinner, found some relief. So much for eating anymore Canadian cheese for a while, I guess I’ll stick with humble pie, served after writing yesterday’s poem!