I often think back to my past loves. Afraid of vulnerability and rejection I used humor to lure males in. Often rejecting them as though I had no interest. When in fact I did enjoy the attention. Now that I'm older with nothing to lose I'm more myself. I'm less dominant, less jovial, less interested in relationship.
Back then, when it really mattered, I wish I'd been more vulnerable, open, less sarcastic and witty. Back then I could clear a coffee room with my contemptible humor. All the weaker males bolted wondering who'd be my next victim. It was quite shocking when one guy revealed that he loved my humor, just didn't want to be at the brunt of it, so he ran!
I am truly sorry I was like that. I really wish I'd been more sensitive way back when! Not to make excuses, because there are none for that behavior, I will say I lived in defense mode back in the day! My circumstances warranted it! My humor is somewhat staid and I do like myself better now!
The prompt this week on carry on tuesday is the opening words of You Would Have Understood Me by Ernest Dowson. 1867–1900
You would have understood me
You would have understood me
Had I not tried so hard
Let my spirit show
Instead
I hid within
Ashamed of
My true thoughts
You would have understood me
Had I naturally embraced you
Revealed my heart
Instead
I kibitzed
Afraid
Of rejection
You would have understood me
Had I let you in
Exposed myself
Been vulnerable
Instead I lied
To you
And me
had you waited
7 comments:
self searching commentary and a delightful use of the prompt.. i think all of us wore such masks at some point in our lives,, especially those of us that were deeply hurt at a young age.. you are not alone.. at least you have come to a place in your life where you feel strong enough to come out frombehind that mask....
OMG! I love the photo at the top!! All that hair and those shoulder pads! Those were the days, huh!!
I had a dear friend who used humor as his defense....so I know a little about that. I enjoyed the poem at the end. Very true.
Well, at least you came to terms with your humor. Nothing wrong with that. Live and learn.
Have a terrific day. :)
What a moving and emotional post. You wrote it with such feeling. I apologise if my contribution this was a bit over the top - I'm having a bad time right now and I wrote down exactly my thoughts at the time.
oh giggs.. IF ONLY we all didn't hide behind facades that made us fee safe. Once again.. another beautiful thing about aging.. reflecting,dissecting,regretting,
but all feelings that prove that you are a sensitive, insightful soul. As lovely as the before pic is? The present YoU is my favorite! xoxo
For me I decided to stop wearing make up and somehow became more real. Isn't that a hoot. I love your way with words for calling up nostalgia and a scared heart!
Great narrative and poem - lovely photos - isn't it strange how being 'us' is never enough? We all mask up and then are surprised when no one 'gets' who we are. I like this stage, though.
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