Why I need a Blow horn!

So last night while lying in bed I felt like Gilbert Grape’s mom. Remember the movie where the kids burnt the house down after their gigantic mother died, saving her the humiliation of being taken out of the house and put on a flatbed truck.

I had this fierce pain in my back, on the right side...no not a heart thing. I was having spasms so bad I could barely walk. Most likely due to my unhealthy eating yesterday, an omelet, and a burger. Not enough veggies….which are a must at my age, for proper waste management! Anyhoo….I took a robaxiset then managed to haul myself into the Jeep to pick up Bryan. Pepper came along with her pounding headache, probably caused by the stress of my back ache. She’s going on a business trip Thursday and was probably worried something might be drastically wrong with me! As much as I tried to stifle it, I simply could not restrain the noises with each movement. Seriously folks this was horrific pain. First I thought, gallbladder, or kidney stones. Yeah it was that bad. I was ooohing and awing on each shift of my gears. I managed to get home safely, avoiding a serious accident where a guy pulled in front of me in attempting to make a left hand turn.

I had a bath, best I could, contorting to shave my legs with my left hand, I am right handed, just in case I had to call an ambulance. You know the clean underwear thing all our moms taught us. I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive again with that pain. Pepper checked on me every five minutes worried I’d crack my head open when I got out of the tub. Please don’t visualize this! The bath was somewhat of a relief. Finally I got up, on my own, and went straight to bed. A waterbed, yes folks, a waterbed!

Now if I had been smart enough to drink water all day instead of sleep on it, I may not have been in such excruciating pain! No I hadn’t hydrated enough all day and it was hot. So I started drinking water as soon as I realized I needed to flush my system.

Bryan made me take the cordless phone to bed to call them if I needed anything. I slept for about forty five minutes when nature called. Anyone ever tried to get out of a water bed when you’re old???? Yeah and fat???? With a back ache????? Yeah let me tell you it’s quite a feat. Lots of twisting and turning, huffing and puffing, ooowwwing and ahing finally I managed to get out of it. Did my thing in the bathroom, got back into bed then realized I needed some Ibprophen.

I was in too much pain to get out of bed again…desperate I tried to call Bryans cell phone several times, no one answered. Keep in mind what it would take for me to do that!!! I rarely ask for help from anyone. I am an independent woman, I prefer to give rather than receive. It was midnight I thought they might still be awake watching South Park. No one answered. I called Peppers cell too. Then I called the home phone, it rang a hundred times. No one heard it!! If I wasn’t in so much pain I would have been howling in laughter.

Oh my god I am fifty one, I’m in bed and I can’t get up!! I need an emergency buzzer around my neck already! So there I was writhing in pain frantic to find a way back to the bathroom and my stash of ibprophen. Gingerly I twisted and turned again, it took forever; I got myself out with lots of sound affects, which only the neighbors would hear because everyone in this house was dead to sleep. I took my pills and decided not to return to the bed until I was sure I wouldn’t have to get out again. All the while I kept drinking water. I have to make myself drink it because it makes me feel so full.

I went on the computer, played scrabble but typing was also a huge task. It felt better to sit up, and eventually I dragged myself to bed, four hours later the water was speaking to me, so I got up without any sound affects. Forgot to take more pills, went back to sleep and after about eight hours I felt so much better, now I feel 95 percent relief. Although when I turn I feel one wrong move could start it up again.

So the moral of this story is, don’t eat greasy shit, drink lots of water when it’s hot, make better food choices, and get a blow horn for emergencies, just in case you need help during the night! For heaven sakes never have a water bed after age thirty!